RL4B: Relentlessly Looking For Beauty

When I quit teaching because of my health, I wanted to stay involved with the school, so for the past five years, I have mentored a student. Once a week for about an hour, I met with a young girl over lunch. We would play board games, make crafty projects, and celebrate holidays with pizza, cookies, and small gifts. Over the years, I have mentored three different students, ranging from 2nd to 6th grade, and enjoyed the fun relationships we built. As this school year began, though, something about continuing didn't feel right. Over the course of two weeks, I reflected and examined this inner hesitation. I prayed about it, silently pleading, Show me the way forward. I thought about the energy it takes to commit to the program, the weekly drive in mostly winter weather, and my need to conserve my time and efforts. Then I met with my doctors, and they reiterated their concerns about me getting sick. How the potential risk for emergency treatment would increase dramatically if I w...

When I first started my journey in the medical world twenty-one years ago, my husband, Shawn, came with me to all of my appointments. Most of them were long-distance, so it made sense for him to accompany me.  I was grateful for his support and commitment to me as we sat together in waiting rooms. However, as more specialists became available locally, I transitioned my care to them. Over the last several years, our habit of going together  to the doctors' offices  fell away, and I just went by myself. It was an unspoken, gradual shift that reflected the relative stability of my health. I reasoned that I didn't need Shawn to come with me anymore as they were just routine follow-up visits.  I thought I would be fine going alone. And I thought I was fine until an appointment e arlier this week showed me what I had given up.  Tuesday, I had a follow-up meeting with my pulmonologist (a lung doctor) who specializes in sleep medicine.  He's the physic...

I am a planner. I keep a detailed calendar on my phone with appointments, lunch dates, errands, and task reminders. It brings me comfort to organize and order my days and weeks, and when things don't go as planned, my peace of mind is interrupted. I started the day yesterday with two short appointments on my schedule, one at 9:30 am and the other at 11:00 am. I had a couple of people to text, and I planned to write my weekly blog post in the afternoon. I imagined an easy, laid back pace for the day. Then everything changed. The phone rang at 8:30, just as I finished brushing my teeth. I glanced at the caller's name,  Susan, and took a moment to switch mental gears. We spoke  about an email I had sent the night before regarding the nonprofit I'm involved in. She wanted to meet to discuss her concerns in person. "Can I come over today?" I took a deep breath to process the request and agreed to meet at 12:30, thinking I can do one more appointment today . ...

I recently read Jennifer Pastiloff's book, On Being Human: A Memoir of Waking Up, Living Real, and Listening Hard . In one scene, she describes a culminating turning point where she finds the five most beautiful things in the room, something she calls beauty hunting. Then she explains that it is:  The key to surviving death. The key to surviving life. The key to being human. The key to climbing out of the catacombs. I immediately thought, Oh no! Her beauty hunting is my relentlessly looking for beauty. My RL4B!   My stomach knotted up and my muscles tensed with the thought, She's written my book! She's shared my ideas about beauty with the world and now there's nothing left for me to say. This was my fear taking over. What Pastiloff would term my Inner Asshole. I gave the book a good review, but I was hesitant to connect to it or get too close. I kept it outside the walls of my heart, feeling threatened by what it might mean for me as a writer. I heard it sayin...

Then the King will reply to them, "I assure you that when you have done it for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you have done it for me."     - Matthew 25:40 He has told you, human one, what is good and what the Lord requires from you: to do justice, embrace faithful love, and walk humbly with your God.     - Micah 6:8 These are two of my favorite verses from Scripture because they remind me that social justice matters. This is the crux of what I "get" from my faith: an identity as one of God's children who is called to love and serve one another. The beauty of these passages is that you don't have to be a believer to find value in the words. When we extend dignity and kindness to "the least of these" in our community, it makes the human race stronger and more connected. When we seek to act with justice and equality, open ourselves to loving boldly, and walk with humility, we can create peace and joy in our families...

Five years ago, I retired on disability from teaching. It was a difficult decision but ultimately the right one. As an educator, I had accumulated a closet full of professional clothes over about ten years. I initially kept them all just in case I would need to wear nice slacks and a blouse someday. Leaving my career was a major change, and I wasn't ready to completely shed that identity. However, one day I finally realized that I wasn't ever going to wear these clothes again, and that was okay. I knew I wanted to donate them, but as with most "someday" projects, I put it off, thinking, I don't have time today . Then a few weeks ago I saw a flyer for an executive clothing drive. It was sponsored by the local university's Career Services and Sigma Nu chapter in partnership with Bozeman Business and Professional Women. If I had been waiting for a sign, this was it. I arranged a Saturday afternoon time with my mom to help me clear out the closet. Sh...

Sleep is often something we take for granted... until we can't sleep, and then we wonder how others make it look so easy. Up until four years ago, I was an easy sleeper.   I fell asleep right away and for the most part, stayed asleep all night. I had heard of insomnia and other sleep disorders, but I couldn't imagine the challenges and could conjure little sympathy for those who faced them. Then I began needing nine or ten hours of sleep and sometimes an afternoon nap to get through my days. I still thought I was sleeping okay, but my doctor recognized a potential underlying issue. So, I tried oxygen at night for a while, and when that didn't help, I was scheduled for a sleep study. After a long night of testing,  I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. To treat this disorder, patients either use a CPAP or a BiPAP machine to sleep. This means wearing a mask (with tubing attached) over your nose and mouth. It's not comfortable, flattering, or convenient, but it'...