RL4B: Relentlessly Looking For Beauty

Four days ago, I gathered four pills into my hand that I needed to take at four o'clock that afternoon. I carried them toward the kitchen, pausing to let my dogs out and back in, then emptied my hand onto the counter. There were only three pills. I panicked. I must have dropped my muscle relaxer.  I knew my dogs would be quick to eat anything they found on the floor, so  I retraced and searched the path I had taken. Twice. No sign of the small, white tablet. Unsure of which dog, if any, had discovered the pill, I hesitantly returned to my routine. About an hour later, I realized the consequence when my youngest dog, six-month-old Riley, began vomiting. I rushed to her and found she was barely able to stand on her noodle-like legs. Her snout was covered in thick, wet saliva and her eyes were unfocused. I carried her to a chair (grateful she only weighed  seven and a half pounds) , held her in my lap, and scrolled through my contacts list with a shaky hand until I fou...

Today is my nephew's fourth birthday, and it has reminded me not only of the changes associated with growing up, but also of how quickly time passes. When I look back on the last four years of my life, it's easy  to focus on what I've lost. Feb 2015 - The long hair that I loved to style has since been cut short due to my fatiguing arm muscles.  - Though I had just gotten my wheelchair, I only used it for certain tasks whereas today, I use it every time I leave the house.  - And I used to be able to take a nap anywhere, be it car, couch, or reclining lawn chair, but now I need a machine to support my breathing every time I want to sleep. But then I look at my nephew and see the beauty I have gained. Feb 2019 - I get a running hug from him each time I visit, and I am able to hug him in return. - He gets excited to show me what he's working on, whether it's building a creation with blocks, describing his imaginative world, or lining up and organiz...

As my physical abilities diminish, I have found a renewed comfort in reading books. Their stories allow me to escape into unique worlds, to learn new information, and to glimpse beauty through the eyes of many characters. I have written before about revisiting childhood joys , and though my love of reading began at a young age, the hobby has never really left me. Instead, it has developed and grown with me throughout the years.  However, I was reminded of its early entrance into my life by two things this week: a photograph and my current read ( The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag, A Flavia de Luce Novel ).  In the picture, I am about seven years old and perched on a too-small tricycle with plastic wheels in a freshly-mowed green lawn. My heavy, chunky eyeglasses are falling down my nose as I concentrate on reading the paperback book in my hands, and though it is tank top and shorts weather, it's clear I can't be bothered with the typical distractions of summer. T...

Friday came and went, and my world didn't fall apart. F or the last eight years, on the   first Friday in  February, I have put on a fundraising drive for the American Heart Association's Go Red for Women campaign. It's a cause that I have cared about since being introduced to it twelve years ago in Washington DC. I have a condition called restrictive cardiomyopathy, which means my heart doesn't function normally and causes symptoms of congestive heart failure. After living with the diagnosis for almost a decade, I decided to do something with it, and I began advocating on behalf of the AHA. In my first year of joining their grassroots committee, You're the Cure , they invited me to the Capitol to speak with my congressmen. It was there that I learned the staggering statistic that heart disease is the number one killer of women, affecting one woman every 80 seconds. And I met women from all across the country whose stories were similar to mine: when we vi...

Part of relentless looking for beauty is noticing and being grateful for the things in your life that are often overlooked. It's why I've incorporated a gratitude practice into my daily routine, and it helps give me perspective when I'm going through a valley. When making my lists of things for which I am thankful, I try to add new items each day as a way to broaden my awareness. Of course I'm still grateful for my husband and family, but I want to push myself beyond the obvious and put some intentional thought into my practice. However, sometimes I get stumped! When that happens, I go to my senses for ideas. What do I see, taste, smell, feel, or hear that fills me with gratitude? Here's an example: Sight : Sitting in my kitchen, I see curtains on my windows, and I'm grateful for the privacy, warmth, and darkness they provide. Taste : I'm eating a delicious, homemade salad, and I'm grateful for fresh produce, tangy dressing, and flavorful se...

Last weekend my mom and I went to a women’s basketball game as part of our season ticket package. We both enjoy watching the local college team since the university has been a part of our lives - I was received both of my degrees from MSU, and Mom was an employee who retired after forty-plus years. The Bobcats have always been, and will always be, our team. As the game clock ticked down, the opposing team was making a comeback, and the crowd began to unify and rally. With each home score, we cheered excitedly, and when the referees made a bad call, we protested loudly. The closer the score, the more synchronized and passionate the response. The crowd had taken on the emotions and the actions of the players, so together we shot each basket and felt every foul. We were all one tribe pushing each other to succeed. It felt energizing and beautiful to love on our team like this, but I realized that there could be a dark side to this behavior. This is what humans have spent centurie...

Last weekend my husband and I celebrated Christmas with his sister's family, and one of the belated gifts  I received was a fitness tracker. You may be thinking, what am I, a woman who uses a wheelchair and other assistive devices, going to do with a fitness tracker? Well, I originally I wanted it just for the heart rate and sleep tracking features, but surprisingly, I have been paying attention to another aspect as well: the step counter. When digital pedometers became popular about a decade ago, I jumped on the bandwagon and clipped one to my hip, excited to see just how many steps an elementary teacher took from sunrise to sunset. I went about my day looking for ways to add extra steps and constantly craning my neck downwards to check the count. I never quite reached the recommended ten thousand steps, but I came close enough to keep up the monitoring for several months. However, as with most fads, my interest waned as I moved on to other priorities. As I set up my ...