The Surprising Paradox of Beauty

-
"Shhh! She's home!"

 I was with a group of anxious people last weekend waiting to surprise our mutual friend, Sara, for her 40th birthday. Her husband had organized the event and arranged for her to be out of the house while guests arrived. The room quieted down when we heard the garage door open.

My heart was racing and my hands were shaking. Another woman was pursing her lips in anticipation. One man was standing rigidly with his hands clasped together. All of us were feeling the nervous excitement of the pending surprise, and we had made quite an effort for the last month not to spoil it in advance.


How would she respond? Would she be upset? Pleased? Overwhelmed? It was as if we were on a roller coaster, chugging our way to the top of the first hill, seeing nothing but clouds in the sky and wondering what was on the other side.

 It was unbearable.
It was wonderful.

 When Sara entered the room we yelled, "SURPRISE!" and began to sing Happy Birthday.

She was stunned! And smiling! And laughing as she took in the scene before her - pizza, cocktail mixers, wine, a unicorn cake, and her close friends and family beaming with wide grins.



We rode the roller coaster of energy and love, sharing in hugs, a meal, and joyful conversation. The ride intensified and our love expanded as Sara opened gifts, then was surprised again by her husband with tickets to see Hamilton in San Francisco. Some of us teared up with Sara, knowing her passion for the musical, our faces hurting for the constant smiling.

 It was unbearable.
It was wonderful.

 There is beauty in this paradox, a mysterious force in our inner core keeping us balanced on the tightrope between fear and excitement. It's a force we often forget that we can trust to keep us inspired and moving forward.

 What brings you both fear and excitement?

 Will you trust in the beauty to keep you balanced?

 ----
Some Doorways from this week:

  • I helped with a fundraising 5k race this weekend, and I made a mistake while handing out the prizes. I was grateful for the forgiveness and grace offered by the racers and my fellow volunteers.
  • I had my last dental cleaning with my hygienist who is retiring, and her kind, encouraging words for me were beautiful. (Love you, Jill!)
  • We had a couple of days of true spring weather (in between the snow and cold!), and I was in awe at the brilliant green grass of the turning season.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular Posts

Answered Prayer at Mayo Clinic

-
Image
I have been doing dialysis over a month for acute kidney failure. Each day labs have been reviewed and checked for progress and each day my kidneys were still not functioning. During the last week, the labs indicated my kidneys were showing signs of waking up. Thursday’s dialysis was postponed followed by Friday’s and Saturday’s.  On Sunday, right after viewing church on line, the kidney doctor came in and announced my kidneys had improved enough I no longer needed dialysis. All at once, I smiled, clapped my hands, and my eyes filled with tears of profound gratitude.  I was overwhelmed by the positive impact it would have on my plans to come home.  However, I still have a big obstacle yet to overcome in healing my severe pressure wounds. This and physical therapy will be my main focus as I look toward discharge.   Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. They’re working! Love, Lisa
Read more

Beauty on the Bad Days: Anxiety and Joy

-
Image
I've never labeled myself as one who experiences anxiety. Sure, I've worried about and ruminated on life's challenges, but I've always considered it a mild, temporary state of being. Until Friday, March 13. As news of COVID-19 permeated our world that week, I'd done my best to distance myself, both literally and figuratively, from the crisis. I knew I was in the "vulnerable" category with my muscle disease, but felt pretty safe. This strategy of avoiding the drama had worked in the past for me, and I was content to stay in my optimistic bubble. Until I clicked on a link which was shared from a trusted organization. It was an opinion article from a doctor in Italy, and it shattered my little panic-free world. From its hyperbolic headline ( Stop Killing People ) to its dire claims of long-lasting effects if you even were to survive the coronavirus, the essay flipped a switch in the most ancient part of my brain that said, "You're in danger!
Read more

Remember Your Purpose

-
Image
I am so thankful to be home.  This does not mean it’s been easy.  We’ve struggled to set up routines and bring in home health three or four times a week.  In addition, I’ve had several appointments with various doctors requiring uncomfortable rides to town and back.   I found myself wishing I wasn’t so busy.   Then I started thinking about the reason for all my meetings.  It was about healing.  Isn’t that my goal? So I’ve taken a new perspective of gratitude and responsibility.  Healing is my job right now and I’m blessed to be able to do it at home rather than in a hospital.  So when I feel like life is too busy I remember my goal and it makes it easier to endure. Where do you find purpose? How can you be grateful for it?
Read more

A Montana Address Again

-
Image
Three months ago, Shawn and I drove to Rochester, Minnesota planning to stay for a week, maybe two.  If you have been following my blog, you know how those plans went awry.   With lots of good medical care, hard work and time for healing, I’m finally strong enough to leave the hospital.   Due to my pressure sores, transportation has been the sticking point for my release.  The social workers here persistently sought a solution.  Yesterday I learned that my full medical flight would be funded through one of Mayo Clinic’s programs.   I fly out tomorrow! I’m not going home just yet but am traveling to an acute care center in Billings, Montana, a two-hour drive from home.  The focus of my stay there will be wound care and physical therapy.   I’ll be letting you know my new Montana address soon! As always, thank you for your prayers, support and love. — Lisa
Read more

Week Four at Mayo Clinic

-
Image
I've been at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota since February 15th. More than three quarters of the time has been spent in the ICU and the hospital. How am I doing? Honestly, it’s been a rough roller coaster. Although my body is SLOWLY healing, my mental health needs support.  I stand in the shadow of anxiety, loneliness, fatigue, frustration, and sadness.  Then gratitude, peace, strength, and optimism shine through the clouds. Eariler this week, I had my first and second panic attack in a series of lucid dreams. Mild hallucinations and imagined voices set in, too. It was scary. It was confusing. Some of what I imagined was kinda funny! When I talked to my doctors, they told me that I likely had a mild case of delirium caused by the disorienation, loud noises, and changing faces of a hospital. They told me my nightmares were typical and reassured me that I was safe. They gave suggestions for relief. Keep your mind occupied with puzzles, word searches, or other hobbies. Move aroun
Read more

Update on Lisa - Guest Post from Kara Nelson, Lisa’s Sister

-
Image
  An Update From Kara:  Lisa is in the Mayo Clinic ICU still, but improving. Over a month ago, she came here for a feeding tube placement. And, after overcoming major complications with internal bleeding and kidney issues, she was all set to go home when about a week ago, she came down with a sepsis blood infection and her body went into septic shock. She was extremely fatigued, her kidneys stopped functioning, she had hypotension (low blood pressure), and a lot of fluid retention. Lisa was very sick, and to be honest, we didn’t know if she was going to make it. Doctors treated Lisa with many life-saving medications (up to eight IV bags hung at one time), several rounds of paracentesis (removing fluid from her abdomen), blood transfusions, and dialysis. The sepsis infection is now gone, her numbers are stable, her fluid retention is much better, her eyes are brighter, her voice has returned, and she’s been able to sit up once or twice a day. Currently, she is still on dialysis full tim
Read more

What Is A Doorway?

-
Image
This is my first post in over 3 years, and I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. I'm the type of person who likes to commit to projects and do them on schedule in an organized fashion. This blog has not been one of them, and it bugs me a bit. Okay, a lot. But as I'm picking up writing again, I find myself seeking an outlet for sharing the things that I find beautiful and joyful each day. Since launching RL4B in July of 2014, I have found a new, meaningful way to describe the goal of relentlessly looking for beauty through the metaphor of a doorway which connects earth to heaven. Though I view it through a Christian lens, the experience is not exclusively a religious idea. Doorways are there for anyone who cares to pay attention to how this world shows us glimpses of a universal understanding and our connection to something bigger than ourselves. Doorways open up to    joy         beauty             smiles                 tears                     our very souls. Do
Read more

I’m Home!

-
Image
  Yes, you read that right. I’m home in my house in Bozeman! After several weeks in the long-term hospital in Billings, I was discharged yesterday. I’m not completely healed, but I’m well enough to be home. When I arrived at the house, I was greeted with flowers in my planters and balloons across my living room, courtesy of my generous family. I felt loved and at peace. It will take me a while to settle in and get into a routine, but the mountain view out my window makes it worth it. Thank you, all, for your continued support and prayers along the way. I look forward to seeing you in person later this summer. Love, Lisa
Read more

The Beauty of Alternative Medicine

-
Image
I was twenty years old when  I first encountered alternative medicine while working as a receptionist for a chiropractor. I grew up with a conservative, traditional model of health care - when you get sick, you tough it out for three to five days, and if you get worse you go to the family doctor for a prescription. Holistic options were discounted as quacks, charlatans, or frauds. Yet as I got to know the world of chiropractic, naturopathic, and other alternative health care providers, I discovered a depth of untapped, often ignored knowledge. What began as an interim job became a trusted resource for medical concerns.  Keeping an open mind, I was willing to try many forms of alternative methods over the years to come. Fast forward to last week. I was having episodes of vertigo and related vision problems, so I brought it up at my regularly scheduled acupuncture appointment with Susannah Freeman-White . I told her that several of my known medical issues could be causing dizz
Read more

Cultivating Beauty

-
Image
I used to love gardening. When we bought our first house, I went to work building a garden out of railroad ties, raking the soil, and choosing seeds. I would measure out the rows, plant a variety of vegetables, and spend the summer cultivating the growing plants. I even enjoyed weeding because I knew it would give my seedlings room to thrive. But now, life with a chronic illness and progressively weak muscles has impacted my ability to practice the hobby. I can no longer shovel dirt, get on my hands and knees, or carry a water hose.  My husband has since built me a raised bed for the deck, so I can still get my hands in the dirt each spring to plant tomatoes, however I miss the larger plot and the hours I could spend getting lost in the task of supporting optimum growth. But I've found another way to garden. This week I've turned my attention toward my inner soul-garden, and the ways to tend its spirit. For me, this inward thinking has been reinforced with the seas
Read more